My Heart Is Reserved, Not Guarded

I told you from the very beginning that we could only be friends.

You said you understood it and you wouldn’t ask for anything more. You not only tricked yourself with that thought as you also tricked me to buy into it. All I wanted was a friend, because that was all I could be. I learned that relationships are already hard enough when life is more or less steady… and if it isn’t steady, if your mind and heart are not in a good place, then it’s not a good idea to have a relationship, because it won’t be a healthy one.

This time I was very conscious of my past mistakes and I did my best to let you know what my heart was like right now. It’s not dark anymore, but there’s a big hole on it. I told you I had to fix it by myself but you were stubborn; you thought you could fix it. No one can fix another’s heart. A broken heart can only be fixed from within and you wanted to fix it from outside.

I let you in. A little bit more each time we talked. I refused your movements, and even your attempts to kiss me. You said I was pushing you away, and maybe I was. Not because I was scared, but because I knew you were not the one, and we could only be friends. What happened next I take it as my fault. After one year being by myself, the desire of being embraced took over.

I thought maybe I could give it a try, and that maybe my refusal was a simple defence mechanism from my side. But no. It was my intuition screaming loudly, saying you were not the one, and as much as I rationally wanted to make it work, the truth is that you are not the one… and I don’t want to be with anyone else but the one. I know, you told me it, when I shared my past relationships and situationships. I overdid it in matters of the heart. I kissed too many frogs with the hope they would become handsome princes, and they only became ghosts in my head who come to haunt me every now and then.

I believe, however, that the reason why I can’t be with you or feel what I rationally should feel is not due to the fact I overdid it in the past. Yes, my heart is not healed yet, but it’s not guarded either. I don’t know if hearts ever heal, to be honest, and that’s ok. I do know we can only be friends, even though you are that damn warrior, the kind of man that protects and takes care of his woman. You made me realise that I want that too, but I also saw that I’m now a warrior too – I want to fight my own battles as well and, although I want to be treated like a princess, I also want to feel I have my own space when I need it.

Life feels weird sometimes. I felt from the very first time you were not the one, because my heart is reserved. If we had met another time, we would had been the perfect match. I love you… I just don’t love you in the way a woman loves her man and life is too short to fool ourselves.

5 Ingredients of True Loving Relationships

In this blog post I will share with you the 5 ingredients that I believe to be fundamental in any true loving relationship.

Nowadays it isn’t very hard to have a “relationship” with someone. I mean, most people are afraid to be by themselves, so they easily accept and settle for a relationship that is not even half of what they deserve.

I don’t see these relationships as “authentic” or “conscious”, but whenever I look around and I observe my friends I can affirm that “tinder” relationships are a real thing. I see how they accept whatever deal in order to avoid solitude and feel that they have someone else besides themselves.

For other people however such notion of relationship is not enough and that’s why I am bringing you today what I believe to be the essential ingredients of a relationship that is actually based on true love. So here are the ingredients:

Ingredient #1

You want to be with someone who understands your struggles, because if you are in a relationship with someone chances are that you will be spending most of your time with that person. If that person doesn’t connect with you at a deeper level in which he or she understands and pays attention to your problems and difficulties, then you will have a hard time and feel like that you are “together” but alone at the same time.

Ingredient #2

You want to be with someone who validates your pain, who doesn’t cross over or minimises your distressful feelings. At the same time, you don’t want to be with someone who pities you and keeps you in a powerless position. You need someone who holds the space for your feelings, who validates your emotions, and then supports you through a process of discovering the best ways to help you cope.

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Ingredient #3

There is nothing more precious than a partner who treasures your dreams as much as you do. True loving relationships are those in which both partners support each other’s dreams because both recognise that individual happiness is as much important as the couple’s happiness.

Ingredient #4

Openness to share and express emotions is fundamental and a key aspect of a true loving relationship. Emotions are recognised as important indicators of the relationship sustainability and both partners are invested in creating moments of passion.

Ingredient #5

Sex or love-making is a healthy aspect of any good relationship, so you want to be with someone who makes you feel comfortable at a sexual level. This means that you are not afraid of sharing your own sexual fantasies or even problems around sexuality because your partner will have the sensitivity to help you find the best solution so both can have a pleasant and fulfilling sexual experience with each other.

What do you think of these 5 ingredients? Would add more or remove any from the list? What is a true loving relationship made of in your opinion? Share your thoughts in the comments below so we can all learn from each other 😊

Can We Make ‘Dating’ Cool Again?

I already had my quota of dates. Many of them a result of meeting someone on online forums or mobile dating apps (horrible experience so far!). Online dating can be an easier way to make contact with someone nowadays but it certainly has its cons. In fact, I think online dating has become the supersonic version of speed dating. In less than 3 minutes you are asked at least one of the following questions:

  • do you have kids?
  • what’s you job?
  • do you have WhatsApp?

At some point I gave up on online dating. And it doesn’t really have to do with the platform per se: you can develop a deep and interesting connection online. However, what I seem to notice on dating apps is that people automatically engage in some sort of “fast dating script” which makes them look like robots and not at all like human beings.

And what can I say about people’s profiles? If we pay attention to what people write in their profiles we soon conclude that people try to “pre-select” their options in the silliest and more superficial way we can imagine. Here is some of the criteria often used by men:

  • must know how to take care of herself
  • must have a good sense of humour
  • must like to go to the gym, and
  • must like to go out as well as to stay at home watching Netflix

We can also find more about them in their ‘personal’ description, a ‘glimpse’ of their soul and life. You can usually find lines such as:

  • tall and cheeky with a big heart
  • the kid on the photo is not mine
  • here for a good time
  • looking for someone who is fun
  • love confident strong women

And when there is a match, the conversation is also usually the same, like if there is some sort of shared script:

  • hi, how are you?
  • swhat do you do?
  • can we chat on Whatstapp?

Maybe this was entertaining when I was 20 years old, but now I am fed up of reading the same script every time. Conversations run dry after 10 minutes because there is nothing substantial to make a connection. It’s like you either go through a script at the speed of light and you book the guy for a coffee, or the game is over. And more often than not, if you decide to go for a coffee as a result of your speedy and empty chat, you will probably never have a second date.

I think there should be something called ‘slow dating’. I don’t mean that we should go back in time and write long letters to each other, but I think we should at least stop to consider if we are actually making the right decision in matters of dating. Of course that if you want to live in the Dating Rollercoaster Planet and jump from failure to failure, that’s absolutely fine; but why rush everything to just meet a guy and find out later that he doesn’t want anything else than collect another girl’s mobile number?

If there’s something I have learnt about potential dating partners is that if you give too much right away then 1) you will have no time to properly meet the other person, and 2) there will be nothing left to stimulate the other person’s curiosity about you. And another thing I have learnt is that sometimes we are so afraid of being alone and never finding love again that we put ourselves in the fast lane and then end up eating ice-cream from the bucket, because things didn’t go well again.

Every Woman Deserves To Be Treated Like a Princess

Whatever people may think about the royal wedding of the century (wasn’t it?!), the union between Prince Henry and Meghan Markle has certainly made us rethink a lot of things. There is, of course, a whole buzz about Meghan’s race – I thought race discussions were now overrated by the way – but what I have been particularly enjoying is the discussion around fairy tales.

Now that most women were comfortable with the idea that “there is no such thing as old-fashioned romance”, here comes a delightful story to strongly shake our beliefs and post-modern relationship patterns. The romance between Meghan and Henry is certainly one of a kind but there are a few lessons that we can definitely start applying in our love life:

Only settle for what you deserve

Have you seen how Henry looks at Meghan? He is totally devoted and committed to her. That’s the kind of look we should all aim for, one that is filled with passion… but also tender love.

Choose Happiness over Comfort

How many times do we choose to stay in a relationship just because it is a comfortable situation? The fear of being alone and single is so big in women (I challenge you to say otherwise) that we often prefer to stay with someone that “feels ok” rather than wait for a man who will respect and honour us just like we deserve.

You are worthy of being treated like a princess

I remember to refuse everything related with princes, princesses, and the pink colour, when I was four or five years old. I was definitely raised in a time in which women told one another that they had to be “tuff” and therefore no royal tendencies should be developed . Women now in their 30s and 40s live a huge fight within themselves – they want to have equal rights but they have also distanced themselves so much from their own femininity that they are now in a rollercoaster, juggling between “almost relationships” and red-velvet cupcakes to heal their love frustrations.